Stories

When I’m not traveling, I spend most of my days at my local coffee shop in downtown Fort Wayne, Indiana. Sometimes, it’s bursting at the seams with patrons coming and going and sometimes, I’m the only person there besides the baristas. Over the past six years, I’ve met writers and artists, lawyers, priests, corporate moguls, politicians and touring bands who haven’t showered in three weeks. I’ve met college kids, homeless people, delivery guys, blue collars and nine-to-fivers.

I get to see the various ways people respond to me socially, and how I respond to them; I get to witness firsthand the many myths about being social with a disability, both externally and internally; and I get to experience the intensive work and immense joy of debunking those various myths. I want to focus, in this article, on two myths in particular, and clarify that these two myths are the result of expectations—and thereby, the mutual responsibilities—of our able-bodied and disabled communities alike.

1. “All of my friends should help me.” Having a disability is tricky because you have unusually practical needs, they need to be met, and that’s just life. You’re so used to having these needs that finding ways to fulfill them is second nature to you by now. So, why shouldn’t it be second nature to all of your friends, too? A myth that folks with disabilities often fall prey to is that everyone in your life should participate in helping with those needs. And I see how we get there. It makes sense if that’s your everyday life. It’s my everyday life. Folks on the able-bodied side of this conversation fall prey to it, too, and run away at that ominous mountain of expectation. Can you blame them?
2. “None of my friends should help me.” There’s another end to this issue, which is the assumption that no one can help you, should help you, or even wants to help you. Personal care, food prep, doors and jackets; all of that is your nurse’s job or your parents’ responsibility. Friends are friends, and we expect them to be there just to laugh and watch movies with. What a miserable myth to live under, though. And when this is your mindset, no one knows your needs, so then they assume there’s nothing for them to help with. The relationship remains shallow, stagnant, and unsatisfying for everyone involved.

Rich social experiences come from balancing vulnerability and awareness. Some friends will be closer than others, some will help in ways others won’t, some won’t physically help at all and that’s just fine. Make your needs known tastefully and sensibly as they arise and as those around you seem willing (qualification is another myth we can address later).